Del Williams

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The Changing Me

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Studies have been done of the effect of social media on people. We see perfect children, expensive vacations, and people starting businesses or something, and you begin to be jealous or to question your value since you don't have most of what is being projected in the pictures.
For far longer than I care to admit, I didn't think I was enough. Part of that was due to the unconventional upbringing, but some just plain self-inflicted. Anyway, in August I did something I didn't think I would do, I left Los Angeles. OK, I don't recommend doing it the way I did it, in that I didn't even tell my BFF until I was on the bus. I didn't want her to change my mind.
It was the smartest move I ever made. Los Angeles is not a place to develop self-esteem or to really build something. It is, in my opinion, just a place of vanity. One day you are the flavor-of-the-month, and then someone else comes along, and that's that.
For me, I just felt like the last one being picked for the team. Everything I attempted to do was far harder than it needed to be. It got to the point where all I was doing was trying to keep balls in the air, and not become a bitch in the process of it, which often times I failed.
Then something changed. I went to a conference, and almost over and over, I kept hearing that sometimes you have to let go of something. I looked at the issues that were causing me the problems, and said, "enough." I had wasted far too many years on something that I should have let go years ago.
I held on for a few reasons: a)I loved it b)being a business owner was important to me and c)I'm not a quitter by nature. Compound all this with the people I was following on social media and knew personally, who were successful business owners, and you get the picture. I was being proud. I didn't want to be the odd man out.
So, I got on the bus to DC, and have not looked back. I thought I would miss the City, but nope. I also did something else, I shut down almost everything, except this blog. I got a couple of jobs doing work that ends when I clock out. My question for myself became, "Can that be enough for you?"
I also read an article on Black people not camping, and in it a guy made a point that people of color are almost forced to think they can't do anything of leisure. We have to always be proving our value by working. Something is wrong with that thinking, which I fell into.
It's tempting to start this or do that, but oddly, I am learning to sit, play, work, and let that be that.
It has been a long time coming, but it is necessary for me to just enjoy living life instead of trying to do this or that or to be this or that.
This doesn't mean I will never do my own thing again, but it means I am enough even if I don't start another business or be the one people are talking about.
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